i have a confession to make.
even though i've been a Christian for nearly 20 years it isn't often i hear God's still small voice.
perhaps it's because i tend to usually be the one talking and don't shut it often enough to hear Him.
maybe because He chooses to rarely move that way.
{ i know , i know, it's the first one }
so when i hear it i have to take heed.
and by hear it, i simply mean that note straight to your heart that is silent yet loud.
don't worry, i'm not hearing audible voices in my head where i need the loony bin...
at least not yet.
but at the end of the day, laying in bed,
when i feel like i've done yet another piss poor job of mothering my children, i beg God for answers.
what am i doing wrong?!
i feel like i'm doing it right but then,somehow not.
like something is missing.
and i ask God why i feel this way.
why i can look at them with their eye lashes against their pale cheeks sleeping and wonder how yet again i feel like i have missed something.
remorse courses through me as i ponder.
and i ask God what i am missing.
and then that rare still small voice echoes in my heart.
they need more of you.
and then i want to laugh. or cry. or cuss.
are you kidding me God?
are you kidding me???
He doesn't tell me He's joshing me.
i don't hear anything.
it's a credit to His infinate wisdom He has not given this message to my husband to pass on to me. after all, what is it i do everyday?
i wake up early to prep school for them.
then i make breakfast for them while i do their laundry and then i teach them and then i read to them and then i wipe them and then i bathe them... and, and, and - them, them, them.
but then what He said stirs my heart.
it starts to penetrate my sarcasm and shock at what He said.
and i wonder.
did we laugh today?
did i really look at them in the eyes when they spoke or did i say uh-huh while folding laundry or paying bills?
did i go play ball when they asked or did i tell them my back hurts or i'm busy making dinner?
did i rush through the end of the day?
rush to brush teeth, rush to read the book, rush to tuck them in only to rush to bed to start all over again?
did i let them know that this, this life is a joy for me?
do they know that i chose this because i love them?
do they really feel that?
do they know they are more than just something else to check off my list?
do they know they are more than just something else to check off my list?
and i realize.
God is right.
{duh. big surprise}
they do need more of me.
they need more eye contact and involvement and games that don't feel like i'm trying to push them to the finish line to get to the next thing on my list.
there is a part in the Incredibles when the kids are all fighting at the dinner table and Mrs. Incredible screams to Mr. Incredible,
" Do something! ENGAGE!".
so today i will give them more of me.
today i will engage.
i may forget to tomorrow.
but then i'll try again.
and hope His still small voice at the end of the day whispers to my heart
i am proud of you, for you are trying.
