when seasons change...

I  have to admit it, this season is both refreshing and heartbreaking.

 

The djs on k-love this morning shared a clip about calliou.

 

and it struck me how long it's been since this home last aired an episode of that bald 4 year old.

 

last month I *may* have googled what it takes to have a reverse tubal.
{this month I have chosen sanity}

 

I carried, birthed and nursed babies for so long, that these last couple years have felt a little strange.

my baby is now  5!

If the pattern of the previous years had continued I'd have 2 more by now!

 

There are days i am thrilled.

 

The mornings when I haven't felt well, and have been able to say, " I'll be down in an hour.  Get your breakfast, do your chores and watch a show." have been heavenly. {though not often enough ;)}

 

The convos with friends at the park who every few seconds are interrupted with toddler chasing?

It's kind of nice to not sweat it.

 

us, me preggo with the last one...2007

But i do miss my babies being babies.

 

I miss that precious 1-3 year old stage, which is my absolute favorite.
I just wish I could rewind!

 

I know that our little family is blessed and complete, unless the Lord deems otherwise.

 

I just really miss calliou.

 

 

 

 



When You Wish God Didn't Trust You Quite So Much...

there are parts of every one's lives that we like to keep quiet.

those deep seated fears, failures, and flops.

 

you know, the "f" words.

 

 

over the years I have tried to break out of my fear of talking about the one thing I fear judgement from more than all others,

and that's my strong-willed child.

 

 

people who do not have a strong willed child like to voice advice, and while I can appreciate their heart,

they might as well stick my head in a gas oven for all the good their advice will do me.

 

James Dobson says to a mom of a strong willed child ,

 "There are some families with 4 or 6 kids, and none of them have a defiant temperament like we are describing.  Such moms and dads are inclined to assume that parents who struggle to maintain control at home are just weak or ineffective.  Sometimes that is an accurate assessment, but in other cases, the difficulties result from the nature of that particular child.   Help people grasp how difficult it can be to raise a defiant youngster.  Your daughter didn't simply disobey occasionally, every child does that.  You were in a war of wills with {her} from almost the very earliest moments of life."

-The New Strong-Willed Child, By Dr. Dobson, page 15.

 

 

While I know and realize I have made many mistakes in raising my children, God is really dragging bringing me to a place of accepting that this child's strong will is not the result of my parenting style or inadequacies.

This child is a result of how his Creator formed him, with a purpose and a plan, a sin nature thrown in.

 

I could tell from the first moments of life that this child was...spunky.

He was born on the 4th of July and his name appropropriately means "little fire".

the signs were all there. ;).

 

I remember calling my mom at about 9 days old at midnight or so crying, "I thought babies slept?" 

no, not my child.

he never slept unless in my arms.

and by never, i mean never.

naps during the day?

nope.

awake all night nursing every hour or two?

yes.

bottle, paci, blankie, anything that pacified him?

no again.

only mama.

 

when he was about 9 months old I developed an excruciating breast infection that left me in tears with each feeding. {I never cried during labor if that gives you a clue to my pain tolerance}.

While he was old enough to wean, he was so 'uncomforted' by anything else, I pushed through 2 or 3 of the most painful weeks ever.

 

I nursed him til he was two and I became pregnant with my next child.

He went through awful night terrors from 2-3 yrs old.

I believe he slept through the night at 4 YEARS for the first time.

 

Spankings resulted in him 'yelling' at me.

Time outs required my restraining him to keep him down.

When he was 4 I turned my back while he was on time out and he ran out the front door and into the street.

And I couldn't catch him!

He ran!

I called my husband panicking that this kid truly would escape our cul-de-sac.

 

 

We did what the 'books' said.

I read the Christian parenting books by the box.

Nothing worked for my little rebel.

The harder I tried to reign him in, the harder the kid would push.

 

At one point I thought we had solved it.

We had changed time out to a 'quiet time' in his own room where he could just 'chill' til his timer rang.

It struck me as odd that the time of peace flew by, but hey, it was working.

Until I realized it was getting shorter and shorter.

It wasn't my imagination.

So I secretly stuck my head  in a crack of his door one day.

I saw my 3 or 4 yr old child piling his stuff, moving his bed  to reach up to the high shelf I had placed the timer on, only to reduce the time down!  He then moved everything back to where it belonged and came out with a smile and announced his time out was up!

This is what I was up against, and the next years would hold even more challenges.

 

 

My son is now 11.

Life is a battle everyday with him.

But I am determined to share my story for other young moms with similar children feeling like they are failing.

This is hard for me to share, to express the vulnerability here.

I am determined to walk this out with Jesus, trusting that this road is leading to life abundantly for this boy.

Most days I fall into bed battle worn and weary.

I wonder what moms of compliant children feel like and want to puke a little.

I am everyday laying this before the Lord,

trusting in His perfect will.

I know that the reason God gave him such a tough spirit is because it will serve a greater purpose,

and I will share a little more as we travel this tough road of raising a defiant child.

 

I will be doing  part 2 in When You Wish God Didn't Trust You So Much: Raising a Defiant Child soon.

 If you have a defiant child, I would love to read your story as well!  Please share!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



Marriage 101...

i saw a journal book the other day where you can fill out marriage advice for a soon to be bride.  it got me thinking what i would say to a young person, or my children one day when they get married...so, this is my version.

 

i am 32.

i have been married for 12 1/2 years.

i was told i was wasting the best years of my life, that i was too young, that i needed to get a formal college education before 'settling down',

i needed to see the world, date around, find out who i was before making this life long commitment.

 

the people who really knew me weren't  worried at all.

i was always 40 trapped in a teenager's body.

but the people i knew from the health club i worked at scoffed & tried to talk me out of it.

and here i am 12 1/2 years later while most of them are divorced.

 

 

i should preface this by saying i don't believe i'm in any way the marriage expert full of grand advice.

there are people whom i deeply admire that have walked a much longer road of marriage with oodles more wisdom than me.

 

 

i have done a million things wrong in this relationship, and about 5 right.

 

marriage is hard work.

neither my husband or i grew up with a super healthy marriage role models.

we are learning as we go together how to make this work.

marriage is about constantly, constantly , dying to self in service to another.

not in a door mat kind of a way, but in a i'm-a-selfish-brat-and-need-to-get-over-myself kind of a way.

putting other's needs before my own.
***none of this is for my dear friends who have walked a road of abuse.  i am talking about mutually respectful marriages!***

i've come up with my top ten things you can do as a wife that have made a difference for us.
i realize every marriage is different, but these are things i think are crucial for a healthy marriage.

#1:
have a faith that grounds you.
when your marriage is built on a solid foundation it is not as easily shaken.
when hard times come {and baby, they will!}
you need to remember that this is a covenant with not only your spouse, but God also.
your husband will fail you.
he is human.
God will not and He ordained this union.


#2:
while what i said in #1 is the most important,
 i think you also have to let go of expectations to a degree, you aren't your husband's Holy Spirit.
i think every Christian woman who gets married pictures her husband as the Godly, Bible leading at the breakfast table type.
while this is ideal, i believe many men struggle with living up to this and fearing failure in their role.
i have learned to set aside many of my preconceived notions about what a Godly husband should be in my mind, because HELLO, i am not his Holy Spirit!
i want my husband, the man he is, not the man i push him into being.

#3:
respect him.
and tell him you do.
i am constantly trying to remember to tell my husband that he is my hero.
he needs to feel that his role is appreciated, just like we do.


#4:
give him all the sex he wants.
did i really just write that?
yes, i did.
and i think this is an important way to validate our husbands as men.
God created sex to be an intimacy between a husband and wife and to withhold that for any reasons that are short of serious health/mental issues, is depriving your husband of something you both need to feel connected.
so - no more headaches ladies,
make it your mission to never say no!
and hey, it's not so bad for you either ;)
and remember, i'm talking to those with healthy marriages and healthy ideas of sex!

#5:
little things everyday.
what makes him feel appreciated?
a clean house?
clean underwear when he needs them?
a meal on the table when he walks in the door?
sometimes these stretch us, while i almost always have a hot home made dinner on the table when he comes home, i do sometimes neglect taking the wash out of the machine, leaving behind that nasty mildew smell.
but if i remind myself how important it is to my husband not to stink, it makes it easier to get off my butt and remember to change the wash over.


#6:
talk.
while a house with 4 ever-present children makes this really hard,
we try.
sometimes it's before he leaves for work, sometimes it's at night,
but actually talk!  even a little everyday!
how was your day?
etc.
i can't count how many moms i've heard say they've gone on trips with their hubbys and have nothing to really talk about.
to me that's crazy!
talk about politics, talk about the latest movies, talk about theology, talk about the 'old days', just talk!
worse comes to worse, you can buy those little books of questions that can generate some interesting conversations.


not an affiliate link


#7:
have common interests.

if you have none, or have neglected them, find some new ones!
my hubby and i love antiquing, movies, etc.
having hobbies in common shares passions and develops a fun atmosphere amidst bills and kids and work!


#8:
set boundaries.
this will look different for every couple, but i think it is super important to have 'rules' set up.
no friends of the opposite sex that you spend  one on one time with.
no business trips with opposite sex,
open access to all emails, bank accounts, cell phones.
no marriage is immune to temptations, no matter how good it is, how godly you are.
while this may seem ridiculous for adults,
i've seen enough marriages fall apart that could have been preempted by these things being transparent.
falling apart marriages don't happen over night, they happen in small cracks in the door that should have stayed shut!
and if you have nothing to hide,  why do so?


#9:
spend most of your time together.
{aside from work of course}.
what i mean by this, is if you are running out the door 4 nights a week to hang out for mom's night outs, or poker nights, etc., it's maybe too much.
i go out on my mom's night out, but 95% of my time is spent with my family.
we all need breaks, i'm not saying they're bad, but if you are flying out the door for the next thing when your hubby walks in on a constant basis, it will start to wear on the relationship.
i have seen this happen to so many friends, even ones who are using that time for "good" things.

#10:
remember we are all human &
say you're sorry quickly.

be prepared, have a plan, hold on to each other through hard times rather than moving apart.
don't be too stubborn to say you screwed up.
if you have a stubborn spouse that won't budge, you go make amends even if you weren't the instigator.


if i listed all the millions of mistakes in marriage i've made, this would be an unending post, but we're doing a few things just right.
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