Thursday, January 10, 2013

a life in the circus...

i have pretty much come to accept that my life is made up of a circus act,
 requiring me to balance on fine lines, keep juggling balls all in the air,
and be ring master of the whole shebang all at the same time...
i have to say, this life is a humbling experience.
this circus act has me constantly falling into the abyss, dropping balls left and right, and either screaming in or neglecting my megaphone all together.
first off, i should say i am a very even keeled woman.
i tend not to be weepy or hormonal.
i roll with the punches, knowing life is still good even when it sucks, and i can pull up my boot straps and get the heck on with it when need be.
i don't believe in looking back unless we can learn from it and then move on.
and rarely, if ever, do i cry.
all that said {just so ya'all know i'm not just pmsing in this post-i'm not ;)},
i do get overwhelmed and want to bury my head in the sand sometimes.
most of the time.
i know i had a tendency at one point in my life to feel prideful.
i was making good decisions that were God honoring and i felt proud.
i think if i had become the 32 year old woman i had imagined at one point i would be, i would still be prideful.
good thing the Lord threw me off my high horse.
it hasn't been pretty, but i sure have learned a lot in the process.
my kids are not perfect. {GASP!}
in fact one leads me daily to my knees feeling battle worn and weary.
my once trim figure has suffered medical issues {okay, and chocolate} leaving me overweight and embarrassed.
my house that after only 2 kids was still 95% clean has given way to cracker crumbs and paper stacks and
laundry eruptions.
this last year got tight with finances from a job shift.
i won't even mention the state of my backyard and the agony it has caused in this household
{looking at that mess is the only time i feel PMSy}
add to that me trying to teach my children at home and you have a woman who not only fell off her high horse but got bucked clear the hell off.
i have been known to ask God "where is my manna for today?!" in my best 2 year old voice,
or go in the bathroom and literally beg God for a little more strength.
i fail in so many ways.
i go to bed with guilt, wake up resolved to be cheery despite attitudes {cheery is my natural make up, but it soon is sucked dry}, only to drop that particular ball right out of the gate.
if i manage to see my husband out the door with a hot breakfast, a load in the wash by 6am, and devotions under my belt, feeling pretty good,
just wait until 8 am when the "i hate math/you're the meanest mom in the world/he kicked me/ i hate my brothers/i don't want to brush my teeths" start.
i fall off that high wire and wind up in a pile somewhere down below.
i'm not saying this to whine or complain or receive accolades.
i'm saying this because it's the truth.
that hard, ugly, i'mnothingwithout Jesus truth.
and i have a feeling i'm not the only circus performer out there.
but i know that when i am weary God takes my burdens and fights my battle { Matt 11:28 and exodus 14:14}
and i know that He chooses the weak and foolish to work through {1st corinth. 1:27}
and i am soooooo foolish!
and i know that He will be faithful to complete the work He started in me {phil. 1:6}

i am so glad i serve a God who knows my weaknesses , oh so many, and loves me anyways.
and i am thankful i can give up this foolish balancing act, the juggling and the hand the mike over to Him.
even if it's every day. or multiple times a day.
He will cover where i ere with my kids, and i will trust Him to do the work i simply can not do.

well, except the cheerios on the floor.
i'll have to do that.
i don't think God sweeps.



A New Free Life said...

WOW! Where's the like button? Brilliantly said. Brutally honest. Thank you for being so transparent. It helps the rest of us circus performers.

Kara said...

Isn't that the truth. I think we are probably a lot alike but there are so many days I wish the covers would swallow me in the morning and spit me out when everything in the world has righted itself. Thanks to sin on this side of heaven that can not be so! Today the truth I am clinging to is Matthew 6:34, "Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." Really clinging, so today that means I am going do eat lunch, do school with my girl, tidy up the house a bit and get some work done and not worry about all the big stuff that seems to be sucking the life out of me!

thetwistedruffle said...

after reading this, i just wish we really could just hang out all the time, because i'm just sure we'd be wildly awesome together. we are so much alike!

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