a life in the circus...

i have pretty much come to accept that my life is made up of a circus act,

 requiring me to balance on fine lines, keep juggling balls all in the air,

and be ring master of the whole shebang all at the same time...

 

i have to say, this life is a humbling experience.

 

this circus act has me constantly falling into the abyss, dropping balls left and right, and either screaming in or neglecting my megaphone all together.

 

first off, i should say i am a very even keeled woman.

i tend not to be weepy or hormonal.

i roll with the punches, knowing life is still good even when it sucks, and i can pull up my boot straps and get the heck on with it when need be.

i don't believe in looking back unless we can learn from it and then move on.

and rarely, if ever, do i cry.

 

all that said {just so ya'all know i'm not just pmsing in this post-i'm not ;)},

i do get overwhelmed and want to bury my head in the sand sometimes.
most of the time.

 

i know i had a tendency at one point in my life to feel prideful.

i was making good decisions that were God honoring and i felt proud.

i think if i had become the 32 year old woman i had imagined at one point i would be, i would still be prideful.

 

good thing the Lord threw me off my high horse.

it hasn't been pretty, but i sure have learned a lot in the process.

 

 

my kids are not perfect. {GASP!}

in fact one leads me daily to my knees feeling battle worn and weary.

my once trim figure has suffered medical issues {okay, and chocolate} leaving me overweight and embarrassed.

my house that after only 2 kids was still 95% clean has given way to cracker crumbs and paper stacks and

laundry eruptions.

this last year got tight with finances from a job shift.

i won't even mention the state of my backyard and the agony it has caused in this household

{looking at that mess is the only time i feel PMSy}

add to that me trying to teach my children at home and you have a woman who not only fell off her high horse but got bucked clear the hell off.

 

i have been known to ask God "where is my manna for today?!" in my best 2 year old voice,

or go in the bathroom and literally beg God for a little more strength.

 

i fail in so many ways.

every.single.day.

 

i go to bed with guilt, wake up resolved to be cheery despite attitudes {cheery is my natural make up, but it soon is sucked dry}, only to drop that particular ball right out of the gate.

if i manage to see my husband out the door with a hot breakfast, a load in the wash by 6am, and devotions under my belt, feeling pretty good,

just wait until 8 am when the "i hate math/you're the meanest mom in the world/he kicked me/ i hate my brothers/i don't want to brush my teeths" start.

i fall off that high wire and wind up in a pile somewhere down below.

 

 

i'm not saying this to whine or complain or receive accolades.

i'm saying this because it's the truth.

that hard, ugly, i'mnothingwithout Jesus truth.

and i have a feeling i'm not the only circus performer out there.

 

 

but i know that when i am weary God takes my burdens and fights my battle { Matt 11:28 and exodus 14:14}
and i know that He chooses the weak and foolish to work through {1st corinth. 1:27}
and i am soooooo foolish!
and i know that He will be faithful to complete the work He started in me {phil. 1:6}

i am so glad i serve a God who knows my weaknesses , oh so many, and loves me anyways.
and i am thankful i can give up this foolish balancing act, the juggling and the hand the mike over to Him.
even if it's every day. or multiple times a day.
He will cover where i ere with my kids, and i will trust Him to do the work i simply can not do.


well, except the cheerios on the floor.
i'll have to do that.
i don't think God sweeps.